The Mouse and His Merry Men

Yeah, yeah…I’m awful at updating this blog. Let’s pretend I’m not, and move on.

I love Disney. It has taken me YEARS to realize this. Spending 25+ years never being more than an hour’s drive away from this magical place used to seem so un-magical. In college, I told people that I HATED Disney. HATED. I hate waiting in lines, I hate the sun/humidity, I strongly dislike tourists (from anywhere, so it’s not racist), I hate being overcharged for something that was mass-produced…and I still hate all of these things. What has changed is that I am now a passholder.

I feel like a celebrity, you guys. I practically own a castle.

I can go to Disney whenever I want. This means that I can stop by after work for an hour when the sun is down and all the tourists who smell like the ungodly cocktail of sunscreen and body odor are busy carting their children off to their expensive, rented beds. I don’t have to buy anything, though my experience has taught me what Disney delights are worth it (notably, Nutella and fruit waffle and Dole Whip). I no longer feel the pressure of squeezing $80 worth of fun into a long, sweaty day.

My relationship with Mickey Mouse is in its third year, and we just celebrated Valentine's Day, so...what better way to celebrate these things than to rank my favorite Disney animated men? Ladies 'n gents - I present to you...the top 5 men that I'd date if they weren't made of ink and paper. Such handsome paper.

#5: TARZAN: I’ve already mentioned that I’m not a fan of tropical weather, however, if I’m living with a hottie in a sweet treehouse that he made for us and our pet/sidekick gorilla…bring on the frizzy hair. I would love nothing more than to live like the Swiss Family Robinson (sans man-eating anacondas, clearly).

Does anyone else find it odd that both Tarzan and The Jungle Book feature jazz music? Does the jungle love jazz?

#4: THE BEAST: This one’s always a little sketchy. In my awkward, limited research, I have found that most of us loved him more when he was a beast rather than when he turned into a long-haired, royal French man. There is just something about the Beast that makes him lovable! Something sweet…and almost kind. So, here’s the deal: if you are a stubborn, emotionally scarred man who has lived half of your life as an angry wolf-like animal…BUT you can give me a library…yeah, you can put a ring on it.

Does anyone else realize that he was only 11 years old when the enchantress cursed him for being selfish? Had this enchantress never MET an 11 year old before? Cursing an 11 year old (and hundreds of his innocent servants) for not letting a stranger into his home just might be the biggest overreaction of all time.

#3: LEWIS: I’ve never seen this guy on a list like this before…maybe because he’s not a prince, or maybe because he’s like 12 years old…but I love Lewis (from Meet the Robinsons - a severely underrated film). He is an intelligent, self-starter über nerd with great hair who isn’t scared of adventure! Hello, Crystal’s dreamboat. Let’s be Ravenclaw together.

If you haven't seen Meet the Robinsons, you really really really really need to.  Like, really.

Apparently, I have the skills necessary to write a Taylor Swift song.

#2: ALADDIN / FLYNN RIDER: I know, I know…two completely different films, released almost exactly 18 years apart from each other (holy cow). I'm allowed to cheat at my own game. The thing is, I love these two for the same basic reasons. They’ve got the street smarts. They both can pull off wearing a great vest. They understand the importance of singing a romantic duet under a twinkling night-sky, and they are both SUPER attractive (probably because the voices of these characters are attractive fellas...DJ's boyfriend and Zachary Levi).

Yes, they both steal things for a living. Like my heart. Or bread, jewels, etc...but when you're a diamond in the rough, you're forced to survive how you can until the right girl comes along to make you the future king of her country. That's just how nature works.

Look at those twin smolders!

#1: Get ready to judge me, or at least shift your opinion of my sanity. In my opinion, the most handsome and wonderful of all Disney animated characters is…a fox. No, I mean a literal fox. ROBIN HOOD. His personality, his voice (the tone AND British accent), his chivalry, his trendy love for archery, his love for bunnies and owls, his “fight for justice” mentality…c’mon. He wears my favorite color, and rocks a feather in his hat. His best friend is a bear. And the bushy tail doesn’t hurt, either.

Am I right?